What do you normally think of when you hear the word “thanksgiving”? Food? Family? Holiday? Day off? This year, for me, Thanksgiving is taking on a whole new meaning.
October 5th – I woke up with an urgency to take a pregnancy test. Grant had left for a meeting at church at 7 am and I decided I just couldn’t wait for him to come back home. So I took the test and it was positive!! So the next day, I called the doctor and scheduled an appointment for the following Friday. I go to the doctor and get an ultrasound and to their surprise, I wasn’t as far along as I thought I was – the baby was only measured at 5 weeks, 6 days. My doctor told me that normally you can’t hear a heartbeat that early, but lo and behold, we heard it!! One of the greatest joys in life is hearing that heartbeat for the first time and I was overwhelmed with emotion!
As the weeks went by, I felt awful. With Benaiah, I had morning sickness every day but this time it was different. I couldn’t really put my finger in it, but it just didn’t feel right to me.
November 5 – it was a Wednesday night and we had just finished eating at the Fellowship Meal at church. We were heading to bible study when I realized that something was wrong. I began to completely break down and I knew, something was wrong with our baby.
We rushed home, called the doctor, but they told us not to panic just yet. So we waited until the following morning and headed straight to the doctor. I immediately had an ultrasound, and my fears were confirmed. They measured and found that the baby was only 6 weeks 1 day old, which is only two days more than the first ultrasound. No heartbeat was found, and I was devastated. My precious ultrasound technician gave me the biggest and most genuine hug I’ve ever gotten from a stranger. I know, in that moment, God gave me her as a comfort.
As I gathered my things and scheduled surgery, I felt Gods presence like I never have before. He is our ultimate Comforter and I knew He was right there with me. In that moment, He gave me peace that surpassed all understanding, and I am forever thankful. Grant and I shed many tears, and hugged our two year old like we never have before. We were heartbroken.
The next day, I ended up having to go back to the doctor and didn’t have to have surgery (Praise The Lord!). But as the technician did another ultrasound, the screen was blank. My heart melted and reality began to sink in. We wept and grieved over losing our child, but we also rejoiced in knowing that our child was in the hands of the Creator and we will meet him/her one day. (As my friend told me today, you should rejoice that your baby is already in heaven because as believers, isn’t that what we want and desire for our kids?)
BUT, despite the loss, I have so much to be thankful for. I love my husband who is a thoughtful, loving, caring, compassionate, godly man and the best daddy to our little boy. Our beautiful boy Benaiah who just turned two and is happy, healthy and growing up so fast. My friends and family who have been so supportive of me and have been praying for our family. My mom and many other women in my life who have shared their miscarriage experiences with me, encouraged me and let me know that I’m not alone in going through this. Most importantly, I have a Savior, Jesus Christ, whom I’m fully dependent on. God loved me so much that he sent His Son to die for me. I will never be able to comprehend that kind of love, but right now, His steadfast and unwavering love is exactly what I need. Now for me, that’s what Thanksgiving is all about.